Keeping Up Appearances

In dating, we choose our potential "mate" based on our first impressions of that person mainly because we do not know them, yet.  There is something that attracts us whether it is appearance, personality, or the person we perceive them to be.  The best advice I've heard lately came from my best friend's mother.  She says, "start out like you can hold out."

I cannot speak for men, but as a woman, I have a mental checklist of certain things that I look for upfront.  Obviously, he should be easy on the eyes, a "manly" man (wimps need not apply), easy-going personality and a sensible humor (no silliness) is always a plus.  These are things you can pick up on within moments of meeting a person.  Character traits, however, are those characteristics that may not be immediately evident.  These qualities, or the lack thereof, may not become apparent until prompted by an event.  For example, a quick temper may not be revealed until the person becomes stressed or irritated.  By the same token, a good temperament is not usually visible until a situation requires a good attitude or patience, like waiting in a long line, or perhaps the experience of a new server at your favorite restaurant.

Often times, we may see a glimpse of something "a little off" in a person, but we think Well, I really like this or that about him, so I can deal with this.  Take the good with the bad.  Let me tell you from personal experience.  If he is cheating now, he will cheat later; a little rough now, he will be a lot rougher later; a little perverted now, a lot perverted later; drinks a little too much now, will drink way too much later.  It is the nature of the beast, if you will.  Even the simple things like your interests can be complex things later.  For instance, if you are a gal that hates sports, it is probably not wise to date a sports fanatic.  This could really become a huge issue later. Solomon refers to "the little foxes that spoil the vines." (Song of Solomon 2:15)  Start out like you can hold out.

When it comes to your faith, you have to be on the same level.  Yes, God can save anyone.  Yes, it is His will "that none should perish, but that all should come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)  However, dating someone who does not have the same level of faith, the same moral conduct we as Christians are to live by, can be absolutely disastrous.  The biggest misconception is that we believe in our heart of hearts that our lifestyle will be a witness and they will want what we have and desire what we desire.  I would say 9 out of 10 times, we are the ones who end up compromising.  Typically, this doesn't happen over night, but rather little by little.  The slow fade until we wake up one day thinking, How the heck did I get here? 

Please use caution when you hear phrases like, I know the Bible from front to back, but...  Although a sad one, it is a fact that many Christians who have walked with the Lord their whole lives know very little of the Bible, much less cover to cover.  Anyone who spends a lot of time studying the Word will tell you that no matter how many times they've read the Bible through, they always find something they have never seen before.  That is because, the Word is a living Word.  It is, in fact, illuminating and revealing with every stage of growth.  There have been many times I would read a passage I've read numerous times before and all of a sudden...revelation knowledge.  I will see it in a way I've never seen it before.  So, do not be deceived.  Judge the fruit.  There are people without a reverential fear and they will use the guise of holiness to entrap you.  In Matthew 23:27-28, Jesus referred to the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees as "Hypocrites!"  He rebuked them saying "You are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.  Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness."  Psalm 10:7-10 records a startling warning:

His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and oppression; Under his tongue is trouble and iniquity.  He sits in the lurking places of the villages; In the secret places he murders the innocent; His eyes are secretly fixed on the helpless.  He lies in wait secretly, as a lion in his den; He lies in wait to catch the poor; He catches the poor when he draws him into his net. So he crouches, he lies low, That the helpless may fall by his strength. 

Eventually, who we are down deep will come out.  The real person may not surface for quite some time while others may be revealed within minutes.  Our greatest defense against this type of entrapment is prayer.  Watch and listen.  Know this, ALL things, good and bad, will be revealed with time for this is the law of God.

Luke 8:17 "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all."

Creepy Crawlers

I cannot think of an insect that creeps me out more than cockroaches.  The big ones.  They scurry across the floor and hide in places you cannot see, but you know they are there waiting to crawl out when you aren't looking.

I liken some men I've known, dated, and even loved to these creepy crawlers.  Let's compare these two specimens.

Adaptable

Cockroaches adapt readily to a variety of environments.  To me, this is huge.  This characteristic is tricky because it can be a very good thing or it can be a very, very bad thing.  Some people can relate to most anyone on any level.  Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 9:22, "When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some."  But, have you ever known someone who seems to have experienced everything you have, likes everything you do?  That is so unlikely.  No two people on the face of this earth are exactly alike in every way.  God made each of us unique so that we compliment each other, each a different part that makes up the entire body of Christ.


Environment

Cockroaches are often found in sewers and basements.  They crawl through dirty areas and then walk around carrying lots of bacteria and germs.  They enter our homes through pipes, drains, and cracks.  Just as infectious are these who surround themselves with those of the same immoral character.  They breed unrighteousness, wickedness. For goodness sake, don't sleep with bugs; they carry diseases!  I pray, God, please seal every crack.  Close every opening that might allow anything unlike you to creep in.  We must also do our part to not open any doors that might foster an environment of infestation.  Jeremiah wrote the words of our Saviour, "My people have committed two sins:  They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water. One of my Facebook  friends and a dear woman of God once wrote as her Facebook status, "In relation to sin, if u don 't want to fall don't walk where it is slippery." 

Psalm 17:5 "Uphold my steps in Your paths, That my footsteps may not slip."


Substance

Cockroaches can get quite large, but it doesn't really take a lot of force to kill them.  Once they are caught, it doesn't take more than a rolled up newspaper to stop them dead in their tracks.  The repulsive, seemingly intimidating predators are really just as flaky.  An accurate description can be found in Psalm 1:4, "They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind."


Exposure

Cockroaches are mainly nocturnal and will run away when exposed to light.  Upon exposure, these types of men will also run away.  Once the game is revealed, the motives no longer concealed, eyes are opened and the light is turned on, they move on to the next, unsuspecting victim because they are all out of ploys and tactics to entrap you and keep you blinded.  Light expels darkness.  "You, LORD, are my lamp; the LORD turns my darkness into light."  (2 Samuel 22:29)

While it can be very disheartening to find out you've been dating one of these creepy crawlers, trust that God will fumigate for you when you have difficulty doing it for yourself.  He loves you and wants the very best, His very best, for you and His word promises in Malachi 3:11 that He "will prevent pests from devouring your crops."

This blog is not intended to be a man-bashing, but rather another warning to the different ways the enemy can camouflage his tactics to trip you up and actually destroy you.  There are good, Godly men, men of integrity operating in the light of the Lord.  I thank God for allowing me to walk through the hard experiences in order to mold me into the person He created me to be.  While I could have avoided so many hurts and disappointments, I am grateful that while the enemy meant for the crisis to eat away my Spirit man, God allowed the insects to eat away the flesh.  I hope their bellies are full--they did indeed eat away the flesh and the Spirit man has risen out of the carcass.  What the enemy meant for harm, God turned for my good.  More of Him and less of me.

Be Constructive

Paul wrote in Corinthians 10:23-24, "Everything is permissible-but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissible-but not everything is constructive.  Nobody can seek his own good, but the good of others."  Dating is permissible, but can also be destructive rather than beneficial or constructive.  Choose wisely who you spend your time with, who you invest your time with, who you give your heart to.

Often times, we forget our whole purpose of being on this earth.  We are to serve others, not ourselves.  The goal is to do the will of the Father and lead others to Christ by that example.   So many times, we are consumed with our own desires, our own ambitions, we forget what we are really supposed to be pursuing.  The Bible tells us to seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and all the other things will come.  (Matthew 6:33)

Denying flesh is difficult, no doubt.  We all want companionship, to find the love of our life.  This is evidenced by Proverbs 19:22 which by the way was written by the wisest man in Old Testament history.  He wrote, "What a person desires is unfailing love."  We can have that, it is permissible.  It is God-given, God-inspired.  We do, however, have to place our pursuits, our obsessions, our lusts on things above and allow Him to bring those into our lives that are beneficial and constructive.  I refer you to 1 Peter 4:1-2 which states, "So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin.  You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God. " 

I leave you with this thought a friend of mine posted as her Facebook status:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?

The Interview

Dating is much like a job interview.  Often times, people are quite anxious about the interview process because their mindset is...Oh, please, choose me.  I really need this job.  Rather, the attitude should be...I like what I see from the outside, but let's look further to see if this position or this company is a perfect fit for both of us.  Dating is very much the same.  As a woman, I am guilty of saying ...Oh, please, choose me.  I really need this relationship without considering whether or not the man is truly what I need or even a person in whom I would enjoy investing my time.  For whatever reason, I have taken all of the pressure upon myself to be likable, pleasing, accommodating.  The end result is heartache.  I have spent so much time in a chameleon phase.  Be everything to everyone.  Then, when that person is gone, more time is spent trying to rediscover who I am really.  Before long, I would find myself in another metamorphosis.  A new guy, new interests, new personality, new me, only not really me at all.  So what's the big deal?  Everyone puts their best foot forward.  Of course!  Let's go back to the analogy of the job interview. 

While the interview can be aced, the employer will not consider the interview if you can't actually perform the job duties required for your position.  You had better be able to back it up with performance.  How many times at the end of a relationship has your partner looked at you and said, "You have changed.  You are not the person I thought you were" or "what has changed?  You used to love this or that?" 

So, how do we avoid these pitfalls?  It is all a matter of attitude--your attitude about yourself, about God, about how you choose to spend your time.  It is knowing who you are and discovering God's plan for your life.  Remember, you are not the only one to consider in the potential relationship.  You may believe he is perfect for you, but you may not be what he needs or what he is seeking.  Not only that, you may not want to be what he is looking for especially if there are impure motives. 

Before beginning any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you should bathe it in prayer.  Prayer is the only way to avoid pitfalls.  Everything else is secondary.  The prayer I have adopted in my life is short, but very powerful because it is biblically based and so it is, therefore, the will of God for my life.   

"Lord, you know me better than I know myself.  You know my likes and dislikes.  Father, you know my strengths and my weaknesses.  What might appear to me to be perfect may not be.  Lord, Your Word tells us that You know the thoughts and intents of every man.  Give me ears to hear what I need to hear and eyes to see what I need to see so that I am not deceived.  I pray your perfect will be done.  In Jesus name, Amen." 

Now, it is not enough to just pray this prayer, but you must also be open to the answer, open to His perfect will whatever that may be.  Remember, Scripture also tells us that "all things work together for good."  ALL THINGS.  You must realize a relationship that does not work out may very well be to save you from much, much heartache down the road.  I believe it is crucial to pray that God fill every void so that the person you meet does not become the filler.  If the relationship doesn't work out, the void is still there because the filling was only temporary.  If you've ever had dental work, you know that a temporary crown is placed while the permanent crown is being molded for permanent placement.  The temporary crown is a quick fix, a filler.  When the person God has for you comes along, he has been molded and is now ready for permanent placement.  The void now filled permanently, forever.  God will be the bonding, the cement that holds everything in place.

As this blog develops, I will likely share some very intimate, very painful experiences that have brought me where I am today.  The points I will bring out, I can certainly back up. Some people might think it is tacky for me to share such intimate details of my life.  Someone once said that it is the compliation of wrong decisions and heartbreaks that later become known as experience.  What does the song say?  "Devil, if you had only known the place where the storms would take me, you would have left me alone."  If my story can save someone from the traps I have fallen into, then I believe I have given Satan a blackeye.   I am going higher--like it or not!

As I continue this journey, God is molding me into the woman He created me to be.  I am the daughter of a King, and my Father loves me best!

So, hang on...this could be a wild ride!