Mind Games
The only thing more nerve-racking than the beginning of a new relationship is the ending of a relationship. Much like a death, the finality can be frightening. What can be more tormenting though is the constant analysis of every conversation, every subtle sign that is now so apparent. You know, the whole hindsight is 20/20 thing.
We know as Christians, the most reliable tactic Satan has against us is wreaking havoc in our minds. Lately, I have felt like my brain has been his playground. Even in my dreams, I have been warring for my own sanity. As I sit here now, I imagine a little imp on one end of the seesaw while I'm on the other end. Up one day, down the next. Up one minute, down the next. What's troubling is to see how effortlessly he toys with me, with my emotions. Mood swings. The merry-go-round of vicious cycles: brokenness, anger, self-doubt, self-worth, how could I be so blind, so foolish?
Often times, rather than really looking at the situation, I turn inward taking the blame for the demise of the relationship. The if onlys...
He seemed interested, but he chose someone else. I must not be pretty enough.
He lied. I must have made him feel like he could not be honest with me.
He cheated. What was I not doing that he would need to look elsewhere?
He's an alcoholic. He was obviously under a ton of pressure. What should I have done to ease his stress?
He was into porn or frequented strip clubs. I had put on weight recently or perhaps I was too inhibited.
He wants out. I should have seen this coming.
And on, and on, and on the list goes. Another ploy of the enemy is to entice us, ensnare us, then mock us when we fall flat on our faces. Ridicule. Frolicking in our minds. It is okay to grieve and you should allow yourself a time to mourn for the loss, to feel the heartbreak. However, you cannot wallow in it. There comes a point when you have to pick yourself up. So, how do we fight back?
Ring the bell...Recess is over. No more games. Get serious about warfare. Ask God to forgive you for any sin you may have committed. Pray for revelation on vulnerabilities or weaknesses that would cause you to fall back into the same kinds of destructive relationships, or falling for the same old line--flattery. Ask Him to fill every area in which you are lacking, fill every void. Then, put on your spiritual armor and fight back with the Belt of Truth, the Sword of the Spirit, and the Shield of Faith. Plant your feet and declare:
I have been forgiven. I will NOT continue to be tormented over this. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I will go on and I refuse to look back. I "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5) No more doubt, no more worry, no more anxiety. I "cast all my cares on Him for He cares for me." (1 Peter 5:7) This will ultimately "work together for my good." (Romans 8:28)God is faithful. Romans 9:33 tells us that "...he who believes in Him shall not be put to shame nor be disappointed." We find further encouragement in Psalm 147:11 which reads, "the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."
You can absolutely, without doubt trust Him with your heart.
Forgiveness
I know that forgiveness at this point seems unthinkable, but now is the time to start the process. It is imperative that you do not wait until you've "gotten over it" or until you are distracted by another relationship. Sorry to say, it does not work that way.
Forgiveness is a progressive form of healing that I would describe as a daily walk. Hour by hour, sometimes even minute by minute. You may feel the person who hurt, deceived and betrayed you is not worthy of your pardon. Trust me when I tell you the absolution is not for them. It is for you--for your healing. Before beginning a new relationship, I encourage you to really, honestly, seriously work through any emotions still tied to a previous one. Otherwise, you enter the new relationship with so much baggage and will likely make the very same mistakes, thus the vicious cycle continues.
As Christians, we are familiar enough with Scripture to know we must forgive in order to be forgiven, but I have included Colossians 3:13 which reminds us that we should, "Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
So, how exactly do you begin to forgive?
One method I have discovered in recent years is every time I am reminded of a hurtful situation or a thought comes to mind that brings up those feelings, I say aloud, "No, I will not think about this. I will not relive this. I choose forgiveness." At first, you may have to repeat this mantra several times a day, but in a little while you will notice the intrusive thoughts come less and less often.
Another technique that has been effective for me is prayer for that particular person. There are a few people in my past that were once 100% committed to ministry, but have since fallen away or taken different paths. When painful memories surface about those particular people, I stop and pray, "God, I pray ______ finds his way back to you in a truer, purer, closer, more intimate relationship. I ask that he will walk out your perfect plan for his life and become the person you created him to be, the priest of his home, the godly example for his children. I am believing that thousands will be saved under his ministry, that the scattered flocks will be gathered, the prodigals will come home."
...And, above all, forgive yourself. Mistakes may have been made, lives may have been affected, but there is forgiveness for you, too. The Lord does forgive and remembers our sin no more. (Jeremiah 31:34) One translation says "seriously remembers (their) sin no more."
Proclaim and accept forgiveness. You will soon discover a weight has been lifted and with that comes an amazing freedom!
So Why Does This Hurt So Much?
After one particular breakup, I could not understand why the pain was so severe. I remember telling my best friend, "There was a time I wouldn't have even felt this. I would have NEVER given him the satisfaction of missing him or even of giving him a second thought. I would have seen the end coming and I would have been the one to leave without ever looking back. But now, I would rather be dead inside than to feel like I do at this moment."
My life has been so disastrous in the area of romantic relationships. I could not understand why God, Who is so merciful, would allow such heartache after so much healing had taken place in my life. I remember thinking God, you have brought me so far. You have healed my heart and brought feeling back. I was no longer numb. Why did this have to happen now? Then, in that wondrous way that He works, I ran across a scripture found in Ezekiel 36:26 which is recorded as this.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."An aha! moment. Before coming back to the Lord, I had hardened my heart as a defense mechanism. This was the old way of avoiding hurt, a way to "deal with the pain" although I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was only delaying dealing with it. I began to analyze the difference in a heart of stone and of heart of flesh. You see, flesh is subtle, soft, a beautiful color, vibrant. Stone is hard, grayish in color. Flesh can be healed. Stone cannot. When stone meets friction, it chips. So, a heart of flesh can be bruised, battered, pierced and scarred, but the heart for the most part remains intact. However, when a heart of stone meets friction, it is chipped, broken down until there is no heart left. I have determined I would rather have a heart that can be mended than to find myself in a state of heartlessness. No heart, no life.
Ponder this. How can we show compassion for others with no heart? How can we love again if we are heartless? How can we love God Who loved us first and Who continues to love us best? My favorite lyrics from Hillsong's At the Cross ... "O Lord, You've searched me. You know my ways. Even when I fail You, I know You love me. I know You love me." Oh, how comforting is Psalms 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book."
You can know that when you hurt deeply, it only means that you love deeply. That is a wonderful thing just don't be frivolous with so great a love. Save it for someone worthy of it.
